I got all the data I need!!!!!!!!! Thanks lacky! I can write my paper with confidence now...(so hard to write a paper based upon suspect, non-reproducible, nonsensical, irrevocably stupid data - or with weird little contradictions and caveats that make you want to scream and cry...ugh)
I had a good meeting w/ boss yesterday. I met my deadline. I felt accomplished and productive....I have three figures, one of which needs no alterations, an introduction, and a now relatively simple premise. YAY. Draft is due Monday and is totally doable. I feel optimistic. I feel happy. (happy at school....foreign concept to me normally).
question is, can I keep it up for long enough to write the whole these...seeing as this paper constitutes an entire thesis chapter I would guess it is safe to say that it could be...
possibly maybe! as my clever brother always sometimes says. hehe.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
further down the spiral
once again i find myself looking inadequate and its my own fault.
i shouldn't have gone for a dinner and movie twice last week while my supervisor was away. i should have been working and quantifying and being a good girl.
bah.
my man is away working. its been a year and a half and i'm in love and i love being around him, and i never get stuff done...i treat myself to his presence way too often, so its good that there is this external imposition taking him away from me. i am taking this opportunity to actually work my ass off. in fact the details of my plan have involved once again being a gradiose disappointment and having my supervisor force me to creat and meet deadlines that i should be able to impose upon myself and yet do not seem to have the willpower to create. I NEED EXTERNAL DEADLINES. I would fail correspondence classes. Even something like basic neuroanatomy for dummies cos i would just not do it.
so i am resolved to be boring and work and keep at a distance my currently single and thus very demanding and time consuming sibs...
approching deadlines...
+all data done by thurs. (this coming thurs)
+chapter three into boss by next mon (7 days)
+Introduction apr6
+Discussion apr13
p.s. I saw "Confessions of a Shoppaholic" which I have read and although I was irritated that it took place in the US instead of England, I did thoroughly enjoy it. Note: if you spend a lot on clothes, its definitely a nail-biting anxiety-fest.
2nd movie - The Watchmen. Very good. Very graphic violence. Well described in terms of the alternate universe. and food for thought fo' shizzle. anyhoo....i do recommend. looking forward to Christian Bale does Terminator
ok. back to work.
i shouldn't have gone for a dinner and movie twice last week while my supervisor was away. i should have been working and quantifying and being a good girl.
bah.
my man is away working. its been a year and a half and i'm in love and i love being around him, and i never get stuff done...i treat myself to his presence way too often, so its good that there is this external imposition taking him away from me. i am taking this opportunity to actually work my ass off. in fact the details of my plan have involved once again being a gradiose disappointment and having my supervisor force me to creat and meet deadlines that i should be able to impose upon myself and yet do not seem to have the willpower to create. I NEED EXTERNAL DEADLINES. I would fail correspondence classes. Even something like basic neuroanatomy for dummies cos i would just not do it.
so i am resolved to be boring and work and keep at a distance my currently single and thus very demanding and time consuming sibs...
approching deadlines...
+all data done by thurs. (this coming thurs)
+chapter three into boss by next mon (7 days)
+Introduction apr6
+Discussion apr13
p.s. I saw "Confessions of a Shoppaholic" which I have read and although I was irritated that it took place in the US instead of England, I did thoroughly enjoy it. Note: if you spend a lot on clothes, its definitely a nail-biting anxiety-fest.
2nd movie - The Watchmen. Very good. Very graphic violence. Well described in terms of the alternate universe. and food for thought fo' shizzle. anyhoo....i do recommend. looking forward to Christian Bale does Terminator
ok. back to work.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
i forgot to mention
my thesis is a study in developmental neuroscience. i shoulda gone to art school.
cheese with whine...
So here it goes…my first blog entry.
Be warned…I am very honest, opinionated, and vocal. (for ex...i find it really irritating that i cannot import cool fonts here. what if i need to express myself through letter art...what then?) I will probably offend people - maybe it will be YOU.
About me a little. I am a visual artist...i paint, i draw, i do collage work, grphx, clothing design, interior design. sometimes i make money at it but i have no formal training. i am a pianist. i play at a nearly professional level and will prepare for my ARTC exam after i finish up this one little thingy.....
I am on the brink of finishing my research for my phd thesis. Like we are talking next week for the end-date. I have this mental stumbling block where I don’t want to write until I have all the data. So although I do write snippets here and there, obvious crap that would need to go in regardless, I cannot just sit down and write. I wish I could. I am looking forward to it. But as long as I’m actually in the lab doing the few things (and I truly mean 3) that are left to accomplish, I cannot bring myself to do it. Needless to say I am angry, frustrated, and looking to vent. The people in my life have definitely taken a lot over the course of this degree I shouldn’t have embarked upon, so I now chose to load it onto a more appropriate and receptive crowd.
And apparently, my supervisor believes that I also have a mental block about being punctual. He says that no matter what time we arrange to meet, I will always be 15-20 minutes late. And I think about it and its probably got some truth to it. But its not like I TRY to be late, or that I don’t want to be on time but I guess the real culprit is that I do not make it a priority to be a little early. I hate being early…I hate waiting. I hate having nothing to do but wait. This is true for everything I do. Dance classes, undergraduate exams (taking AND invigilating), piano lessons, meeting up with whomever (friends family boyfriend). If I have an extra 5 minutes, I finish my coffee, I touch up my makeup, I check and adjust because I occasionally have moderate to severe OCD about my appearance.
Why is my appearance important to me? I’m a leo. And a virgo (on the cusp) and so I am proud about my looks and fastidious about their maintenance. I.e. I have vanity OCD. Not always but usually. Sooooooooo many grad students dress like frumpy dumpy dorks and not like the up and coming professionals we are. But then again, who am I to talk about professionalism….I am nearly incapable of being on time... Girls who can’t walk in heels (like when they teeter forward as though the ground they tread were actually under a different source of gravity…) are also something that makes me just cringe. Practice at home or something, or just don’t bother. The thing is, these are pet peeves, but at the same time I probably would not change it because then I wouldn’t stand out so much as someone who does take the time to put herself together. And probably the biggest reason I do it is ‘cos I feel GOOD about it. I feel like a woman, an adult, and I feel sexy and confident when I dress well. The world is at your disposal when you feel like that. So I guess the point is that at least I look more than decent when I show up late as usual. Does this make me shallow? Maybe. Definitely egocentric, and perhaps egotistical. But it doesn’t mean that I am not smart, or that I am some kind of histrionic personality flubbing her way through without true capabilities.
The truth is that I am very smart. I published a paper that no one else in my lab could and I blew my comprehensive exam committee clear away. I was actually told that I ranked within the top 10 percent of all examinees by all 5 professors present. But how much does that actually matter. I worry that my comps were my peak. I feel like there is a possibility that I may not finish. I hate this degree. I am working with tools I assumed were carefully constructed and planned. Of course they were not. So I have to for the second time pare down the original idea for my second and likely last paper. I doubt it will be publishable at this point. I feel like a failure all the time. My boss treats me like a wayward child. But regarding that, I have simply stood up for myself to him upon at least 3 very valid occasions and I make him very angry and I don’t care. Whatever. The point is that i hate my project. I have worked so hard and for little reward and though i enjoy the learning, the critical thinking, the problem solving, and the question asking....i need to find somewhere else to do it. i could go in circles for hours. so i leave it at that. its one o'clock in the morning. i have westerns to do early tomorrow and a colleague's practice defense that i said i would attend but would pay to avoid...oh well - onwards and upwards.
Be warned…I am very honest, opinionated, and vocal. (for ex...i find it really irritating that i cannot import cool fonts here. what if i need to express myself through letter art...what then?) I will probably offend people - maybe it will be YOU.
About me a little. I am a visual artist...i paint, i draw, i do collage work, grphx, clothing design, interior design. sometimes i make money at it but i have no formal training. i am a pianist. i play at a nearly professional level and will prepare for my ARTC exam after i finish up this one little thingy.....
I am on the brink of finishing my research for my phd thesis. Like we are talking next week for the end-date. I have this mental stumbling block where I don’t want to write until I have all the data. So although I do write snippets here and there, obvious crap that would need to go in regardless, I cannot just sit down and write. I wish I could. I am looking forward to it. But as long as I’m actually in the lab doing the few things (and I truly mean 3) that are left to accomplish, I cannot bring myself to do it. Needless to say I am angry, frustrated, and looking to vent. The people in my life have definitely taken a lot over the course of this degree I shouldn’t have embarked upon, so I now chose to load it onto a more appropriate and receptive crowd.
And apparently, my supervisor believes that I also have a mental block about being punctual. He says that no matter what time we arrange to meet, I will always be 15-20 minutes late. And I think about it and its probably got some truth to it. But its not like I TRY to be late, or that I don’t want to be on time but I guess the real culprit is that I do not make it a priority to be a little early. I hate being early…I hate waiting. I hate having nothing to do but wait. This is true for everything I do. Dance classes, undergraduate exams (taking AND invigilating), piano lessons, meeting up with whomever (friends family boyfriend). If I have an extra 5 minutes, I finish my coffee, I touch up my makeup, I check and adjust because I occasionally have moderate to severe OCD about my appearance.
Why is my appearance important to me? I’m a leo. And a virgo (on the cusp) and so I am proud about my looks and fastidious about their maintenance. I.e. I have vanity OCD. Not always but usually. Sooooooooo many grad students dress like frumpy dumpy dorks and not like the up and coming professionals we are. But then again, who am I to talk about professionalism….I am nearly incapable of being on time... Girls who can’t walk in heels (like when they teeter forward as though the ground they tread were actually under a different source of gravity…) are also something that makes me just cringe. Practice at home or something, or just don’t bother. The thing is, these are pet peeves, but at the same time I probably would not change it because then I wouldn’t stand out so much as someone who does take the time to put herself together. And probably the biggest reason I do it is ‘cos I feel GOOD about it. I feel like a woman, an adult, and I feel sexy and confident when I dress well. The world is at your disposal when you feel like that. So I guess the point is that at least I look more than decent when I show up late as usual. Does this make me shallow? Maybe. Definitely egocentric, and perhaps egotistical. But it doesn’t mean that I am not smart, or that I am some kind of histrionic personality flubbing her way through without true capabilities.
The truth is that I am very smart. I published a paper that no one else in my lab could and I blew my comprehensive exam committee clear away. I was actually told that I ranked within the top 10 percent of all examinees by all 5 professors present. But how much does that actually matter. I worry that my comps were my peak. I feel like there is a possibility that I may not finish. I hate this degree. I am working with tools I assumed were carefully constructed and planned. Of course they were not. So I have to for the second time pare down the original idea for my second and likely last paper. I doubt it will be publishable at this point. I feel like a failure all the time. My boss treats me like a wayward child. But regarding that, I have simply stood up for myself to him upon at least 3 very valid occasions and I make him very angry and I don’t care. Whatever. The point is that i hate my project. I have worked so hard and for little reward and though i enjoy the learning, the critical thinking, the problem solving, and the question asking....i need to find somewhere else to do it. i could go in circles for hours. so i leave it at that. its one o'clock in the morning. i have westerns to do early tomorrow and a colleague's practice defense that i said i would attend but would pay to avoid...oh well - onwards and upwards.
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