I am neeeeeeearly a step closer...

I wrote a paper last week. A whole paper. And for some reason I thought that it would be perfect off the first draft...you know 'cos I've written a paper before...took me 2 years to publish it...it's always easier the second time around...i totally know what i'm doing now (i'm not capitalizing "i" anymore, it's annoying)...blablabla.

and of course my boss had the occassion to read this old review i wrote and THEN he reads my new paper. so of course he is set up for devastating disappointment when he finds my new paper to be lacking. and NO ONE likes my vocab. They say i'm posturing...trying to look smart. but that's how i fucking talk. sorry if i grew up in a house full of verbose bombastic people with impressive reading lists...whatev. so i was really bummed by the look on his face when he gave it back with comments, and the additional, oh-so-subtle slight of "well, i didnt want to rewrite it for you..." piss off.

anyway. it's a chapter. chapter 3 to be precise. when it's off to the people with all the power and no other redeeming qualities except for the ability to assess and scrutinize to the smallest angstrom the breadth and depth of my lack of intellect and work ethic by way of my body of work; my poor little paper... i feel so bad for it.

okay not really. i hate it and want it out of my sight quite honestly.

i also started a new painting the other day. it made me so happy to do something over which i have complete control, artistically, stylistically, and fate-wise as well. this thing with science is only fun when it works. and it's not in the cards for me it seems. is it just me, or does it seem in the end like the best option, the option for being true to oneself, is to leave this academy of bullshit and posturing (now I am the accuser)... i can't wait to finish. go to a warm sandy place devoid of anything resembling these people or this place and get a tan while reading the 8 books im trying to get through right now....

Books i am currently not finished but wish to:
1) The Enchantress of Florence - Salman Rushdie
2) Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
3) The Kite Runner - by that guy
4) Journey to the End of the Night - Louis Ferdenand Celine
5) My Friend Leonard - James Frey
6) The Devil Wears Prada - who knows
7) The Scramble for Africa - From Livingstone to Present
8) Rebel Sell: how counterculture is just another part of the mainstream (helps me laugh at the flaky artsy types i used to hang with who thought that mainstream was evil...and i thought they were kinda stupid).
9)A New Earth - Echkart Tolle
10)My Idea of Fun - Will Self
11) The Tin Drum - Gunter Grass
there are others that i havent finished but they are not on a list of priorities - i.e. on my bedside shelf...

I just polished off, for the second time, "To kill a mockingbird" back the other week when i was also writing my first draft. i forgot how powerful that book is. amazing. worth a second read. probably worth a third. i really enjoy re-reading books that i read when i was younger, more naive, maybe in a different headspace. i think that books and the arts are among humanities greatest acheivements. not medicine, not physics and aerospace engineering, not infrastructure, cell phones or hybrid cars. books and art and music. this is the height of man.